Thanksgiving Week in a Nutshell

Okay, so it's the end of the week, and I haven't posted any more Why I Am Better Than You entries. One reason is because, well, it's been the holiday, and I had to drive six hours in many directions to have two different meals (hey, that's a WIABTY™ right there!), and then my wife —whom I call Squanto—got sick with a nasty-ass cold just in time for her birthday, so I have been playing nurse maid (another WIABTY™!) and then I came over all Xmas-y and decided to decorate the entire front porch of the house with lights and finally put some ornaments on our brand new faux-tree that has all the lights built in—and it rotates, which is cool. Though not fast enough to send anything flying off it. It's a Martha Stewart brand tree we picked up last month, fresh from the "Big K," as the kids call it today. Or maybe that's the corporate marketers.

I'm not sure why I bother. No one in my family usually sees any of these decorations. Though my parents did stop out yesterday for a short time while out Xmas shopping. But they only did that so they could get a copy of our Xmas Wish Lists, because they'd left their copies at home. And Dad forgot to go look at the tree, so now he wants video of it to see next weekend, when I go out to their house for another Thanksgiving meal. In the (hopefully) completed kitchen from hell, that is now looking quite heavenly.

It's all just more time for me to corrupt my nephews.

Really, I haven't posted a WIABTY™ because I haven't been able to really come up with anything that makes me super-special over anyone else. I got nothing.

Actually, I had one, all about how I'm never late for anything and hate that so many people are, something I was conditioned for in high school and college by knowing so many people who were never on time for any thing. However, a couple of years ago, just before I moved back to NY I spent a lot of time with two friends of mine that I wouldn't exactly call punctual (unless it involves a deadline), and I found it in myself to embrace the occasional bit of lateness. So that nixed that.

Squanto would have appreciated an entry on punctuality, since that is one of her strong suits (and makes her damn sexy. ) Even more she would have appreciated it because she felt the last two WIABTY™s were directed at her specifically, even though they were not. My goal is to make everyone who doesn't do them feel bad, not just her.

She apparently felt that it was personal enough that she went with me last Wednesday to give blood and it turned into a fiasco. She wasn't able to get any blood out even though the phlebotomists sat there jiggling the needle protruding from her vein in hopes of breaking the dam in her vein. In the end, they only got about 5 ounces of blood out of her, and they need 40 or some such to be able to use the bag. So in the end she was in pain, and had wasted her time. Afterwards, we barely spoke to each other for a while as I felt terrible, but couldn't bring myself to apologize... what kind of message does that send? "I'm sorry you tried to do something selfless and nice?" But at the very least she won't have to worry about me bugging her to go to the blood bank ever again. Her body obviously doesn't want to give up the goods.

She told me her theory is that she got her current mega-cold by giving blood. I tried to tell her that getting an arm swabbed with copious amounts of iodine probably help kill the cold, but I wasn't believing my own bullshit anymore than she was.

The rest of the week I've spent finishing listening to a book on tape (Skinny Dip) started back in early October—it took a while, as Squanto and I were listening to it together, so I would only play it while we were traveling together. I also finished the single-player campaign in HALO 2. The reviews were right, it is a short game, but I think it ended at exactly the right time for me to not lose interest in it. Though killing the final 'boss' monster was ridiculously easy, I have to say. I watched a couple of DVDs (Elf and The United States of Leland... the former actually has a more believable ending).

And tomorrow, I'm off to San Jose, California for the twice (sometimes thrice, but hopefully not again) Wi-Fi show. Rest assured I won't be late for that... much as I'd like to, I'm a paranoid about never missing a flight, so my punctuality will be back for at least the airport trips.

WIABTY™ Theme Week: Pull On Thru

This past weekend, as the wife and I were leaving the glorious grocery Mecca known as Wegman's, a guy pulled into the space in front of me as we were loading bags in Matilda (the mini-van), so I had to back out.

Understand, I hate backing out of parking lots, especially one that garners the traffic that particular store parking lot does, which from the air probably resembles nothing so much as road-kill being overrun by maggots and flies. So I was being careful and going slow, hoping not to hit any elderly widow ladies.

"Is that guy pulling in here?" Bon asked, more rhetorically than not. I looked to where her gaze was and, indeed, the guy in the spot in front of me was slowly following me as I backed out, so he could take over the parking space. My wife said with incredulity, "Unbelievable."

"Unbelievable?" I asked in return. "I'd call it commendable! The man is taking the safety of the almighty pull-thru. I love the pull-thru. If I could, I would write a soliloquy to the pull-thru." [Actual quote from my mouth. I probably should have said "sonnet."]

And I would. But I don't really know how to do such fancy poetry. So here's a haiku instead:

Taking the pull-thru
Increases love, threatens few
Where are my pants?

I'm no poet. But the gist of this brings us to day two of my theme of Why I Am Better Than You (WIABTY™) (AKA, he's insulting us and preaching again): I always take the pull-thru when it is available.

I was surprised that Bon even said anything about the guy wanting the pull-thru spot in the lot, as she knows how important I think they are. Whenever I get one, I actually do a little yell: "Pull-thru!" and gesticulate wildly.

Nothing infuriates me more than watching someone pull into a parking lot and taking a space and just stopping there -- even if the spot in front of that one is as empty as the far reaches of space. Pure vacuum waiting to be filled. Instead, the frickin' retard in question would rather take the chance when they come out of the store later that they could instead back up. Ridiculous.

Vehicular safety is not something you'd call synonymous with my name. I have had my share of little fender tags in parking lots. But all of them have, hands down, happened when backing out of a tight spot. There's few things worse than the crunch or scrap noise when your bumper connects with another, or the cement wall, or that elderly widow lady.

I've learned my lesson folks, and you should, too. Even if it means you might have to walk a couple extra feet to the store, take the pull-thru spot. You'll be glad you did. (And, you could stand to lose a few pounds).

WIABTY™ Theme Week: Donate or Suck

Welcome to the first ever theme week on the Squished Frog Blog.

Our theme for the next few days: Why I Am Better Than You.

I'm not here to insult you. Really. What I'm here to do this week is point out some areas whee I am just the cat's PJs and by comparison make you look like a loathsome, disgusting piece of semi-human putrescence. Try not to take it personally.

The first reason Why I Am Better Than You (WIABTY™) is because I give blood. I've talked about this before (see "Phelbotomists for Jesus"). Obviously, giving my hemoglobin is not much of a hardship because if there's anything I've got an overabundance of, it's bodily fluids. But I think it's important. The guilt I had about not giving during the years I lived in Massachusetts (especially after 9/11) has translated into a fervor. So much so, that I threaten to alienate my wife by my constantly telling her she should be getting a needle in her arm as well.

I should be grateful she has finally agreed—after several years of needling —that when I die I want as much of my body given away for parts as possible.

In fact, lets make this as public as possible right now, just in case she's only playing along with me: Dear World: I, Eric Griffith, being of sound mind and somewhat-sound body (with at the very least some decent working parts that should be useful to someone) want to make sure that when I die that any and all efforts are made to make sure that my organs are dispatched forthwith to as many sick patients around the world who need them for transplants. ASAP. Corneas, heart, lungs, liver, skin, stem cells, fingernails, nose hairs, whatever—take all that and more.

In fact, if my organs can't be used, just donate my whole body to science. Students need cadavers for cutting—they don't just figure out how to operate using frogs, people.

You've seen that convict that researchers froze and then whittled away a millimeter at a time just to take cool pictures of his insides? I'd have been proud to have been that corpse!

So that's the second reason WIABTY™ : I'm willing to give it all way. Anyone who isn't willing to give at least one body part away—a person that is so selfish in death that you have to take it all with you—then you're more materialistic than even a person with a basement filled with toys he doesn't play with and books he hasn't read. (Ahem.)

But today I got a third reason of WIABTY™ : I'm willing to give some of it away now.

And not just the easy, liquidy parts you can get to easily and store in a bag.

Today I signed up to be part of the National Marrow Donor Program, which tracks the names of potential donors of stem cells, blood cells, and (duh) bone marrow. This means that if my type should somehow match with some poor kid with leukemia, I could give enough of myself to actually save their life.

Read that again: Save Their Life.

Okay, so yes, the marrow collection process involves drilling a hole into your ass cheek through to your pelvic bone so they can stick in sterile needles and suck out the bone marrow like a fat kid sucking the cream filling out of a Hostess Twinkie. Afterwards you probably can't sit for a while, and all spankings are off for a while no matter what your dominatrix says.

But it's totally worth it. That life giving marrow could be injected into the blood of a patient coming off of chemo or radiation and start to turn into fresh, healthy marrow in that ravaged body.

The chances of actually being asked to donate (especially for a white guy, and I'm as white as mayo) are, I understand, about the same as The Revenge of the Sith not sucking. But, since we all know every geek-boy in America is going to run out and see it anyway just in case it doesn't suck, how can the rest of you so-called "normal people" not fill out some papers and get a finger pricked just in case it could save someone's life?

Find your donor center, get pricked, and feel good about yourself. God knows I do, enough so that I can take this high-horse of discourse. Don't you wish you had as much hubris as me right now? Well, you can't, loser, because you aren't in the NMDP data base. So you suck.

So... I guess I really am here to insult you.

But I still feel good about it.

Cummulative Distractions

The problems with distractions is, if you don't let them distract you and get just it over with, other distractions come along and sit next to them.

And by distractions, I mean forms of entertainment.

I was talking to my friend Josh this morning and he asked me:

JOSH: hey did you finish Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norell yet?
ME: uh... no.
ME: I haven't STARTED it yet! It stares at me from the shelf every night, shaming me! "why did you buy me a month ago," it says "if you weren't going to read me immediately?"

And the book is right to be ashamed of me.

Books are like my crack cocaine, I have to buy them, they're an addiction. But I'm no better with movies and video games. They must be my black tar heroin.

By my count, just walking around my house this morning, I have the following:

31 novels waiting to be read.

8 movies recorded on the DVR to watch -- and we have to watch them before the DirecTiVo I ordered is installed on Dec. 6 or they go bye-bye.

Always 3 DVDs in from Netflix (I've currently had one of them sitting here for two months... thank god there's no late fees or I'd own it by now).

Perhaps the biggest curse of late to time is entire seasons of TV shows on DVD in boxed sets. I've got the Simpons season four and the entire run of Firefly to watch.

Movie box sets aren't any better -- I have yet to watch the Indiana Jones DVDs I have in boxed set, nor the long-play versions of the first two The Lord of the Rings filmes. If I get Return of the King at Xmas though, I figure I'll take a day and watch all three extended films back to back...a glorious thought.

4 audiobooks on my iPod, including two I've been in the middle of since before I went on vacation a month ago today.

4 episodes of This American Life on my iPod. (I miss mowing the lawn -- I listened to a lot of audio on that lawn tractor.)

Xbox games like HALO2 I plan to play to the end, plus I found last night I have about four other games I'd someday like to get back to, including Prince of Persia and the second Buffy game. Plus I have a new one, Crimson Skies.

Various comics, including entire print runs I've save up to do in one sitting: 34 issues of Stray Bullets, about 50 issues of Cerebus (I'm not sure I'll ever get to those), a couple of Grendel mini-series, and 9 issues of Frank Miller's RoboCop 2 (with his original wacked-out screenplay adapted for comics).

Graphic Novels including four volumes of Paul Grist's Kane, and the much bally-hooed In the Shadow of No Towers.

Remember regular TV? Shows like LOST, Gilmore Girls, Survivor, Amazing Race, etc, they don't watch themselves, people! And soon, the return of Alias and 24!

Josh called it overwhelming (and it's why he gave up magazines, same as me-- all I get now are handy-man mags my Dad gets me), but I call it everyday life.

Yet somehow, with all that swirling around me to entice me away, I still managed to spend 8 to 10 hours a day writing about the wubbulous world of Wi-Fi. It almost makes me proud, that self-control. Until I realize how many hours I need to get through it all. Then I despair.

And I go update my Amazon Wish List.

Posted by Eric G. at 10:13 AM | Comments (1)

Love Letter to... TiVo

I swear, when I saw this, I almost felt my eyes fill with tears... of joy.

Look at it—there, that graphic— that simple set of numbers and letters in a grid. Do you know what it represents? DO YOU?

I'll tell you what it means. It is the end to the tyranny over me by the worst user interface since Microsoft Bob. It means that soon, very soon, after parting with a little money and dealing with some installation hassles, after nearly two years of suffering at the hands of Scientific Atlanta's incompetence and TimeWarner's stinginess and desire for control—and all because I'm too spoiled to give up recording two channels simultaneously—I'll be reunited with... TiVo.

For those who haven't been following this saga for the past two years, here's why this is important: When I lived in MA, I had wanted TiVo so I could enter the world of digital video recording, granting me the power of a GOD over what was on the tube. And lo, when I got a DirecTV dish and a DirecTiVo unit, it did indeed granted me those powers and more, with an interface crafted from the finest pixels by geniuses of the highest digital caliber. We lived in this bliss for a year.

Then, we moved to Central NY. We were told we could have our DirecTV satellite, which would allow us to have our dual-tuner TiVo —but if we did, we could not have our local television networks. DirecTV would not support them in our new home.

Strange as it may seem, I still watch the vast majority of my programming from the networks (LOST anyone? Gilmore Girls? Arrested Development? I'll give up a kidney before I give up these programs! And back then there was Buffy and Angel still on, too!). So, obviously, this was unacceptable. After a few months of wrangling with the network affiliate in Syracuse, trying to get waivers so I could get the network feeds on my DirecTV account, I gave up, cashed it in, and jumped back to cable.

The upside to this: my local TimeWarner service had started using digital cable, and the cable box had a DVR built in, and it would record two shows simultaneously. Just like DirecTiVo!

The downside: It was like going from using a Macintosh back to a sliderule, interface wise. The problems run from having to jump back to the beginning of shows after recording stops to not having adequate "Season Passes" to a few other annoyances. But we've lived with it for almost two years.

Hated it and cursed it, but lived with it.

All the while, my dual-LNB DirecTV dish has remained poised on the side of my house, staring to the southern sky, awaiting the day it would again be put into use.

Tonight, finishing up (finally) my tech edit on a book for Pearson Publishing, I read one of the chapters discussing using satellite signals for TV and I thought, what the hell, I'd look on DirecTV.com and see if the local channels are finally available. I held no hopes for such and outcome. But a watched pot never boils, and apparently an unmonitored media service occasionally delivers what you want if you stop asking for it. For there was a channel listing of the local networks I could get if I signed up now for DirecTV (still no UPN, but I'll live with that.)

So, over the course of the next week, I have to buy myself a new DirecTiVo unit, call up DirecTV to get service reinstated, hope that the dish is still pointing at the satellite, and turn off my TV cable without turning off my cable modem. All moves that are totally worth the time and effort and money to bring back in my hands the elegant hour-glass shaped remote that will make TiVo once again a part of my life.

They Call Me MASTER Chief

Where does the time go between posts on this blog? You'd think that when I can post almost every day while on vacation in an exotic island locale that barely offered me the sanity of broadband, I could pull it together enough to write something while I'm home, spending nine or ten hours a day in front of the dual LCDs that are my window to the outside world.

Well, you can blame this delay on Microsoft. Again. Only this time, instead of my time being sucked away trying to fix the company's easily broken OS or e-mail application, I've been sucked into the one thing they always seem to get right: HALO!

Yes, HALO 2 is out on the Xbox. It's been the constant topic of discussion between Joe and I as we plan future gaming ventures on our Xbox Live accounts (killing Tom Clancy's terrorists in versions of Rainbow Six is, sad to say, getting old). My brother, still obsessed with the original HALO to this day—he's just as likely to be playing that during the day as changing soiled, smelly diapers on his sons—will likely be joining us. All because on the big release day on Tuesday, the day $100 million flowed to the coffers of Redmond, WA, I was able to plunk down my $140 bucks for two copies of the game (one for the bro plus an Xbox Live starter kit. It's early Xmas... he'll get nothing under the tree this year and like it. Okay, very little. Okay, a little less than normal.).

I'm glad I didn't go out at midnight that morning for the sale at EB World like thousands of others. I'm not that hard core, though I was afraid I wouldn't be able to get a copy at all that day after the marauding teens got all theirs. But— much like I did when the last Harry Potter book came out —I walked into Target around 11am and found about 25 copies on the shelf. Plus, I snagged the last of the free strategy guides they were giving out, as well.

I think the proper term to use toward aforementioned marauding teens who got their copies 11 hours early, for all the difference that makes is: psych! Suckers. You kids is stoo-peed.

Meanwhile, the game, like other first-person shooters before it, permeates my thoughts like Tidy-Bowl does toilet water. I've got the strategy guide by my side so when my computer is doing something that takes a while (like, say, opening a blank document...) I can quickly look up some tidbit to help me out later. I've skipped my usual ritual of the Daily Show at lunch to instead wolf down left over chili and get right back into a half hour of killing Covenant grunts before I go back to work. And as soon as I'm done typing this, I've got to strap on my ray gun for a couple more hours.

And this is just the single-player campaign folks... I've got untold hours of multi-player goodness to get out of this game too, just as soon as Joe get his pre-ordered copy from Amazon, probably sometime next week. Sad for him.

Enough of this. Time to go kick some virtual ass. For those of you only with PS2 or GameCube... I pity you.

Spam Subject of the Day!

"Earth is not round! It's Dirty!" -- for selling viagdra [sic].

Four More Years

It's been a depressing couple of days in Squished Frog land.

The sky is grey and dreary. Last night, there came a killing frost -- and the pony she named Wildfire busted down his stall. I have no vacation time left, and worse, I've got jury duty starting Monday (which I guess is like a vacation, but with responsibility).

Oh, and there's four more years of Bush.

Why didn't I donate some money to MoveOn.org? Dammit.

It is no surprise, sadly. But it hurts because it makes me feel totally at odds with half of my country...and half of my family. Sort of.

My brother, the one-issue voter Republican cop who never met a civil liberty he didn't think was worth sneering at, greeted me on IMs yesterday with a "GOOOOOOO Bush! :)" -- with the smiley. I was gracious to him about it, and he was gracious back, but that was after a loud one hour debate on the phone Tuesday as we tried to convince each other that "our guy" was the right one. Which was stupid, since we'd both already voted.

That's how he always refers to the candidates --"your guy vs. my guy" -- so I'm not always sure he sees this as anything more than a competition akin to a football game; something entertaining but without ramifications. It's how he acts, but I know it's not how he feels. He's got his reasons for voting Bush, mostly steered by the fact that he's a cop and what he sees on the job ("liberal judges" letting suspects walk is a favorite topic of his), and being a new dad. He's just afraid that Kerry was too 'soft,' and he thinks stepping in to take care of business is the right way to do things. (Worse perps like N. Korea and weapons inspections and the like are all just in the way, like waiting to get a search warrant.)

He also refers to the war in Iraq as a "police action." Didn't that go out with Vietnam?

I think I was bothered most knowing my dad voted for Bush. While dinner table topics growing up in my house could easily range from genital contusions to motor vehicle accident decapitations without an eye-blink (courtesy of a family working in hospitals), politics is something we've never talked about. I dunno why. As a child I think I was told by my grandmother or someone intimidating that it was rude to ask who you voted for, so I had never asked my dad.

So last night, I did. I called him up and I asked him "Why? Just tell me why you voted for him."

His answer was that he'd always voted Republican and had never given it much thought not to.

So, I asked him what he thought of the issues like gay marriage (no problem with it) or abortion (he says it should be done when medically necessary). I told him that the guy he voted for was against both -- and had turned the first one into a campaign issue enough that 11 states have now made it illegal, legitimizing hate and bigotry against many of my friends. He's lucky that Roe v. Wade happened when it did in the 70's or I can only imagine the girls he might have picked up in his 32 years on the ambulance doing back alley abortions even in our little home town.

And I barely touched on the legitimacy of the war, the economy, the environment, the erosion of liberties under the PATRIOT Act (no thanks to stupid, lazy Democrats there, of course) and the administration/party's crack down on "moral grounds" on everything comics to television to movies to the internet.

Even he asked me, "don't you think there's a lot of people out there that vote that way?"

Based on the stakes in this election, I didn't want to think so. I haven't ever voted that way since my first ballot cast in 1992.

Then I had a talk with a friend where we discussed what he feels is the biggest reason that Bush won: religions that tell people not to think, be good little sheep and just believe what you hear from the pulpit (and what's loosely interpreted from the Bible)... a message that extends for many to the bully pulpit of the White House.

Put them all together and what are the top reasons people voted for Bush? Fear. Apathy. Lack of critical thought.

The number of times people were called un-American in those days following the tragedy of 9/11, just for espousing a questionable view on his actions -- perhaps the most wholly American thing any person can do, rattle against the Man -- was staggering and heart-breaking. Now, the call, even from Kerry, is to "stand behind the president," which of course means what it meant right after 9/11 -- don't say anything bad. He won, so that must mean he's a-okay! Just like Nixon was, once upon a time.

Still, I'm sure that sentiment of "play nice" will carry the day for a while, maybe longer, especially with the Dems eviscerated like they were the bowels of Congress (Obama not withstanding). I just hope it doesn't last. Questioning and investigating and making sure these guys stay "moral" is the least the policiticans, the media, and the country can do.

Maybe an Edwards/Obama ticket in 2008 would work... but the Dems will screw it up again and probably make it a Hillary/Sharpton ticket or something.

More Slides

You haven't seen enough of the island of Maui through my camera lens? Well, then you're in luck. Click here if you dare, monkey-boy (or girl).