It's Electrifyin'

I feel it should be known that I harbor no fear of sticking a knife into a toaster.

I've been fishing burned, tiny, stuck pieces of bread from between electrified coils since I was a small child. Toast has always been, and will always be, my breakfast of choice. It is something I inherited from my father, just as I hope to someday inherit his outlook toward other drivers on the road and his wait size (32).

I once worked with a man name Forbes, and I remember on one particular Bagel Friday (the glory of Bagel Friday at work was seldom equaled, unless there was cake) we were standing about waiting for his bagel to come up out of the toaster. It finally popped, but didn't come up. So I told Forbes to "Get a knife and pry that sucker out of there."

His look couldn't have been more incredulous if I'd pulled down his pants and started spanking him in front of our CEO. Forbes said, "Uh, no, I think I'll pass."

I think not sticking metal objects into powered appliances is a sign that someone doesn't really love their impending meal. Me, I love toast. And I'm willing to die to fry to get it.

Math Bugs

This bugs me. My grandfather told me this puzzler as a kid and I thought I had it worked out once, but I saw it again in a comic strip today and it's bugging me.

Three guys go into a bar. Two order mixed drinks and the third gets a beer. The bartender charges them $10 each, for a total $30. They pay and go to a table.

The bartender realizes he over charged the guys by $5 and tells the waiter to give them back the five.

The waiter thinks to himself he can't split the five evenly between the three guys, so he pockets $2 and gives each guy $1.

So:
Each paid $10 at first.
Minus $1 each = $9.
$9 x 3 drinks = $27.
Plus the waiter's pocketed $2 =

$29.00 TOTAL.

Where's the 30th dollar?

Even earlier today I thought I had this and I don't. I used to be a mathematical genius before I let my high school chemistry teacher crush my academic spirit… I blame him for my not getting this.

Day off

I'm taking a day off tomorrow. First one since the move, and that didn't really feel like a week off so much as punishment in the form of time to do work around the house that couldn't wait.

I'll be working tomorrow, too, just not on stuff that pays the bills. Like finishing the fence, writing, and, uh, paying the bills.

I have much to tell -- the floor! the past! the vomit! the rabbits and deer! -- so maybe tomorrow.

I think life will settle down a bit after December 9th. I hope.

What more can I say?

City of Evil That I Love

In the never ending battle to get the floor in my kitchen fixed, I did a search today on Google for Ithaca Tile & Hardwood, business I saw advertise on, of all things, a shopping cart last night night at Tops. Google pulled up a page at CafeShops (home of the Squished Frog Store, you non-consumer bastards!): Ithaca is the City of Evil. That got my attention.

That store in turn linked over to a page at FreeRepublic.com that spent paragraph after paragraph spelling out just why the writer thinks my old/new home town is a terrible place ("Ithaca is so "Green" that Ralph Nader got more votes in Ithaca than George W. Bush") filled with Liberals and Communists and Activists and a few other -ists.

And the more I read it, the more I was thrilled with the fact that I live here again.

I don't think Ithaca NY is even as progressive as it could and should be (dinner with our college friend Amanda, who's one of only a handful of femaile police officers in this burg spelled that out... she had some fun tales to tell), and the occasional step out of the city limits to encounter some rednecks makes me want to run back to Massachusetts sometimes. But it's incredibly nice to know the right-wingers think it's so leftist here at the tip of Cayuga Lake that they'll make up shirts against the town.

MSL

Yesterday morning as we were waiting for our guests to arrive, Bon got up from the living room couch were she was playing the Xbox and said:

"Well, I guess I have to go start being Martha Stewart Griffith for the day."

"Oh yeah? Are you also into insider trading?" I asked.

"Well, you know I'm always looking for a hot tip." she said.

A Nice Sunday

Have I lost the will to blog? I wonder sometimes. It's not as therapeutic as it used to be... or maybe I'm beyond needing therapy? No matter, I will whip up a quick update for the day so the site is at least not too stale. Might as well, as my wife is not interested in me as she's instead "killing boogies" (our euphemism for playing video games... she and I are both determined to finish off the Buffy the Vampire Slayer game for Xbox soon).

Today was a nice day -- our first a major "dinner party" with a number of my family members out. There were two major reasons to serve up a vat of chili and a couple of my home made pizzas though. The first was to get help in moving the crappy metal shed that came with my house on to the new pad my folks and brother helped me build -- okay, I helped them -- for my new $2000 Amish-made 10x16 shed. My cousin's husband, Bill, took charge with my brother and before we knew it, the ass end of the shed was up on the wheel barrel, they had a couple of corners, and we carried it out into the yard and backed it up on to the foundation. It took about three minutes. Well worth a pot of chili.

The second was to give my grandmother a dog. Her dog of the last several years, Lady, (farmers are not known for handing out fancy names to dogs) passed away a few months ago. Grandma, who is not exactly the ambulatory of people, has hemmed and hawed about getting a new dog. But Bonny and I have kept an eye out for listings about dogs that might be a fit for her.

Bon and I ended up out at the SPCA shelter in Cortland, NY yesterday and met an 11-year-old girl named Maggie who immediately reminded me of Lady. Maggie's pretty spry for a bitch her age, needs to lose some weight, get spayed (who the hell doesn't spay a dog before it's 11? Lazy ass dumb redneck bastards, that's who), and probably have ever single one of her teeth pulled. But since Grandma just recently had the last six of her own teeth yanked, they sounded like a good match.

When they arrived at my house today, Grandma met Maggie and my mom asked what she thought of the dog. Grandma said she's nice.

"Well, she's yours," Mom said.

"No she's not," Grandma said.

"Yes, she is. If you want her."

Grandma cried.

After my family left, there was a car accident on the busy road I live on. Bon and I never heard it as she was on the phone and I was at the time playing Spider-Man the Movie on the Xbox (two words: Freaking WOW). Cars started stopping in front of the house so we walked down to check it out -- a minivan had slammed into the ass end of an SUV. Minivan was totaled, leaking oil and gas all over into the newly installed drains on the road. Fire trucks and cops arrived moments later. I look forward to reading tomorrows paper to find out why it happened. I'm betting the SUV breaked broke braked hard for a deer crossing the road.

Now, it is time to buckle down for a few hours before Alias.

Oh, for those keeping score: ABC, CBS, and now NBC are all available on my DirecTiVo. Let's give a big hand to the local affiliates for the big three networks. WYST 68, Fox affiliate in Syracuse, you can expect a phone call tomorrow so I can find out why you aren't as giving.