Last night, for the first time in years really, I got IMed ut of the blue. What follows is the full transcript of my over 75 minute conversation. The name of the object of my ridicule has been changed, but nothing else.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:41:34 PM):whoo is this??
ECGriffith
(6:41:52 PM):sigh.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:42:01 PM):huh?
ECGriffith
(6:42:20 PM):I said, "sigh". as in, an exhalation
of air.
ECGriffith
(6:42:30 PM):you IMed me, so who do you think I am?
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:42:36 PM):yah i know, i was wondering why you said
that though..
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:43:04 PM):some one with the last name griffith im
guessing, but i dont know who has that last name.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:43:21 PM):but i heard of it before
ECGriffith
(6:43:51 PM):so are you just randomly IMing people? picking
names out of the ether? or did you find a link with my IM handle somewhere?
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:44:41 PM):no i dont randomly im people, but someone
said you screen name to me before, and so i was wondering who you are
ECGriffith
(6:45:04 PM):who told you the screen name? maybe we can
find out if we have a mutual friend.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:45:48 PM):im not sure because everyone goes on his
screen name, im just wondering i didnt know it mattered that much. but is there
any chance that you go ledyard?
ECGriffith
(6:47:12 PM):"go ledyard" -- I'm not following.
what or who or where is a ledyard?
ECGriffith
(6:47:40 PM):I just googled "ledyard" and if
you're asking if I am from the town in CT, nope, I'm not.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:47:48 PM):OKAY SOO HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO THE SCREEN
NAME .... YANKEESFAN AND SOME NUMBERS AFTER IT
ECGriffith
(6:48:09 PM):hey, hey, relax, no need to yell.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:48:18 PM):IM NOT I JUST LIKE CAPS .. LOL
ECGriffith
(6:48:35 PM):all caps is considering yelling in most online
circles.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:48:59 PM):OKAY BUT CAN I JUST WRITE IN IT FOR NOW?
ECGriffith
(6:49:25 PM):Yes, I suppose I'll just pretend your caps
lock key is broken.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:49:30 PM):SO HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO THEM OR HAVE
YOU PLAYED A GAME WITH THEM , LIKE SOME KIND OF ONLINE GAME BEFORE?
ECGriffith
(6:50:03 PM):Yankeesfan, yankeesfan... I dunno, what were
the numbers after the name?
ECGriffith
(6:50:14 PM):there are a lot of yankeesfans out there,
after all.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:50:20 PM):1888
ECGriffith
(6:50:30 PM):1888! that bastard!
ECGriffith
(6:50:36 PM):He owes me money!
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:50:37 PM):WHAT HAPPENED?
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:50:45 PM):WHY?
ECGriffith
(6:51:00 PM):assuming he's a he.... you never know online.
he could be a teenage girl.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:51:09 PM):HE IS A HE
ECGriffith
(6:51:36 PM):I thought maybe you meant Yankeesfan1492.
Now that is a man to admire. worth his weight in gold, that one.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:51:45 PM):HOW OLD DID HE SAY HE WAS?
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:51:47 PM):OOH
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:51:53 PM):BUT WHAT HAPPENED?
ECGriffith
(6:52:18 PM):Well, you know how these things go. We're
all experience men of the world, after all. Nudge nudge.
ECGriffith
(6:52:35 PM):(well, I'm assuming you're a man too, but
this is IMs, maybe you're also a teenage girl?)
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:52:47 PM):IM NOT A MAN.
ECGriffith
(6:53:03 PM):good for you. Men. I spit on my gender. Ptui
on us.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:53:40 PM):OH YAH BUT I MEAN I KNOW THAT PERSON AND
I WAS WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED THEN ?
ECGriffith
(6:53:43 PM):I really don't know what you women see in
us, but, then again, I'm glad you do. What with all the biological necessity
of it and all.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:53:57 PM):OO HAHA.
ECGriffith
(6:54:55 PM):well, I have to say, nothing happened, I'm
just joshin' you. I dunno that whatisname 1888. I'm sure he's a solid upstanding
citizen. (for a dude.)
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:55:48 PM):OKAY SO WAHT WAS THIS CONVO EVEN ABOUT ?
ECGriffith
(6:56:14 PM):this is probably pretty traumatizing for
you, knowing that you could IM someone like this and they would make up crap
about people, huh? I feel terrible.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:56:31 PM):YAH
ECGriffith
(6:57:05 PM):I feel like I've ruined the Internet for
you. Like taking a kid to his first R rated film and having it be something
sucky.
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:57:24 PM):YAH.
ECGriffith
(6:57:49 PM):So, tell me, now that we've cleare the air
and all, what exactly did your buddy Yankeephan1888 tell you he said to me?
ECGriffith
(6:58:22 PM):Or did he say I said something? I hope it
was clever and pithy and full of double entendre.
ECGriffith
(6:58:40 PM):I'd settle for single-entendre...
ECGriffith
(6:58:56 PM):throw me a bone, yahnkeyphan1888!
XtraLargeGoodies
(6:59:07 PM):IM CONFUSED
ECGriffith
(6:59:57 PM):okay, simple question: Why did you IM me?
Just to find out if I talked to this Yanquiphan? that doesn't seem like enough
of a reason to seek me out.
ECGriffith
(7:00:24 PM):I mean, he must have implied something was
amiss?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:00:44 PM):ILL ASK ANYONE IF THEY TALK TO MY FRIEND
CUS THEY SAID YOU WERE MEAN OR SOMETHING, BUT UM WHY DO YOU KEEP SPELLING YANKEY
FAN DIFF.?
ECGriffith
(7:01:21 PM):I didn't realize I was. Sorry. It's my dyslexia.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:01:32 PM):ITS OKAY
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:01:45 PM):OKAY THANKS ANYWAYS . BYE
ECGriffith
(7:01:47 PM):but he said I was mean? like, how? abusive?
ribald? violent?
ECGriffith
(7:02:03 PM):hey, that's not fair! I've been told I was
mean and can't even defend myself??
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:02:20 PM):THEY SAID YOU WAS SWEARING
ECGriffith
(7:02:42 PM):have I cursed one iota during this entire
conversation my dear? I have not! no potty mouth on me!
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:03:02 PM):OOH YAH I CAN SEE. OKAY I BELIEVE YOU, BYE,
ECGriffith
(7:03:03 PM):not that I couldn't, because I know some
very funny combination of words that would peel the paint off a wall, but well,
we just met.
ECGriffith
(7:03:40 PM):don't I at least get to find out how you
know Yanqueefhan?
ECGriffith
(7:03:53 PM):is he your boyfriend? cousin?
ECGriffith
(7:04:00 PM):friend with benefits?
ECGriffith
(7:04:07 PM):ex husband?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:04:09 PM):WHY DO YOU WANNA KNOW ?
ECGriffith
(7:04:59 PM):well, you have me all curious of course.
I think it's nice that you would go online to track down people who are mean
to your friend/boyfriend/cousin/husband/ex/etc. so you can defend his honor.
ECGriffith
(7:05:10 PM):you should be quite proud of yourself.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:06:10 PM):OH THANKS AND ITS MY BROTHER .
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:06:23 PM):THAT IS MY CLOSET FRIENDS EVER SO I CONSIDER
HIM MY BOTHER
ECGriffith
(7:06:23 PM):ah, brother. never thought of that. most
sisters wouldn't do somehting nice for a bro.
ECGriffith
(7:07:07 PM):oh! well, that's different. see, a real life
sibling, you'd probably tell him to get overhimself and then give him a swirly
and step on his lunch bag as you head out the door to the school bus.
ECGriffith
(7:07:37 PM):He'd run behind you screaming, "Wait,
wait up! XtraLargeGoodies, I'm telling MOM!"
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:07:57 PM):OH YAH.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:08:18 PM):BESIDES MY BOYFRIEND IS HIS FRIEND TOO .
ECGriffith
(7:08:42 PM):boyfriends and friends who are boys! You
live life close to the edge.
ECGriffith
(7:09:10 PM):Pray that these worlds don't collide! That
way leads only to heartache and suffering!
ECGriffith
(7:09:29 PM):or to a really confusing episode of Three's
Company.
ECGriffith
(7:09:47 PM):If you have a bar near you called the Regal
Beagle, be afraid. Be very afraid.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:10:12 PM):OKAY, BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CANT HAVE FRIENDS
WHO ARE BOYS?
ECGriffith
(7:10:50 PM):well, you can, sure. Lots of people do I
suppose (tho remember, men are scum, blah blah blah...) but to have a friend
who is friends with your boyfriend? I just don't see that working out.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:11:19 PM):WHY?
ECGriffith
(7:11:23 PM):see, what happens if boyfriend says "hey,
lets go to a movie!" and you say, "no, I saw that one already with
our friend, Yhanqueephann"
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:11:44 PM):HE IS MY FRIEND WHO HAS BEEN MY FRIEND FOR
A LONG TIME AND HE HAS THIS FIREND WHO HAPPENS TO B EMY BOYFRIEND.
ECGriffith
(7:11:54 PM):then boyfriend is all like, "but, that
film had like, nudity and stuff in it! You can't see that with him! What if
you got turned on?"
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:12:09 PM):I WOULDNT SAY THAT, YOU KEEP SPELLING ANKEY
FAN DIFF.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:12:40 PM):UM.. YOU LOST ME IM REALLY CONFUSED NOW.
ECGriffith
(7:12:41 PM):and you'd say, "ew, I wouldn't, that's
gross," but it's too late, your boyfriend leaves with a lead pipe to go
beat the crap of of your so-called "mutual" friend. it's a horror
story.
ECGriffith
(7:13:20 PM):I told you, I've got a problem in my modula
oblongata. Dyslexyitis.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:13:31 PM):OOH.
ECGriffith
(7:14:14 PM):It makes me spell propernames differently
everytime they come up.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:14:45 PM):OOH. BUT UM IF YOU MEAN MY FRIEND WILL DO
SOMETHING, HE WOULD NEVER CUS I KNOW HIM TOOOOO WELL!
ECGriffith
(7:14:46 PM):the doctors are working on it, but I'm not
confident they'll find anything after 17 MRI scans and four trips to a very
good proctologist.
ECGriffith
(7:14:57 PM):girlfriend, we need to talk.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:14:57 PM):OOH
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:15:12 PM):WHY?
ECGriffith
(7:15:29 PM):you know him how well? have you married him?
lived with him? has he pooped in the bathroom with the door open while you're
in the next room?
ECGriffith
(7:15:46 PM):because until a man does that in front of
his woman, the relationship is ALWAYS in doubt.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:16:40 PM):I CHANGED IN FRONT OF HIM PLENTY OF TIMES,
HE HAS SEEN MY TITS, I KNOW A LOT ABOUT HIM AND I ALWAYS BORROW HIS CLOTHES
AND WEAR THEM WHICH ARE HUGE GANGSTA CLOTHES AND I HAVE LIVED WITH HIM FOR DAYS
HERE AND THERE.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:16:58 PM):AND I AM ALWAYS AT HIS HOUSE
ECGriffith
(7:17:26 PM):that's fine. I'm glad to hear this. but I
ask again: has he deficated while you were in range of his smell? the auditory
splash?
ECGriffith
(7:17:52 PM):until he is that comforable around you, it
matters not that you wear his gangter (spelling counts!) clothing.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:17:53 PM):NO.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:18:27 PM):OKAY BUT TRUST ME I HAVE NO INTEREST IN
MY BROTHER !
ECGriffith
(7:18:59 PM):Likewise, until you have sent him to the
store to buy you "female products" he won't know if you trust him.
but that's another story, because he'll buy you the wrong thing.
ECGriffith
(7:19:12 PM):if you want tampons, expect pads. and vice
versa.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:19:34 PM):UM OKAY..
ECGriffith
(7:19:50 PM):I have no doubt you have no interested in
that brotherly yankeefart1888. but that doesn't matter! what matters is what
the ganster boifriend thinks in his head.
ECGriffith
(7:20:34 PM):and if he dresses like a "gansta"
(as the kids say), I'm sure he's also packing heat? So he better not be getting
jealous, is all I'm saying. In the hizzle.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:20:51 PM):HE DOES GET JELOUS [EASILY]
ECGriffith
(7:20:58 PM):SEE! I told you!
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:21:04 PM):AND YOU SAID YANKEEFART??
ECGriffith
(7:21:13 PM):YhanquiFlap1888 is Toast!
ECGriffith
(7:21:36 PM):god, how I worry about him now!
ECGriffith
(7:22:24 PM):i feel like I'm the only one looking out
for the little bastard. How will he get buy, hanging out with girls that are
not his girl? He's going to get his melon busted with a lead pipe.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:22:46 PM):.. HAHA
ECGriffith
(7:22:52 PM):it's just not right. Kids these days, so
jealous and with such easy access to heavy artilery and mood altering substances.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:24:22 PM):WHAT IS YOUR RACE?
ECGriffith
(7:24:23 PM):you think I'm kidding? when your "bro"
is on the six o'clock news there in Ledyard as a victim of a drive by, I expect
an instant message telling me I was right.
ECGriffith
(7:24:39 PM):based on how I type, you tell me what your
guess is on my race.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:24:49 PM):OKAY, BUT IT WONT HAPPEN I WOULD STOP HIM.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:24:56 PM):WHITE
ECGriffith
(7:25:11 PM):now why on earth would you think that?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:25:12 PM):I AM TALKING PROPER FOR YOU SO THAT OYU
UNDERSTAND IT
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:25:15 PM):I DONT KNOW IF YOU NOTIVE
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:25:24 PM):BUT I WOULDNT TYPE LIKE THIS OTHERWISE
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:25:32 PM):I DONT KNOW. I JUST THINK THAT,
ECGriffith
(7:25:53 PM):talking proper as in, not using a lot of
acrynyms and strange spellings? that's good, because I dunno any of that crap.
ECGriffith
(7:26:38 PM):I'm an elderly man, in a nursing home, and
this is my first computer, so I didn't leard all the fancy ways you kids communicated
today in the IMs. all i have is my dictionary and thesaurus to get me through
my communications.
ECGriffith
(7:26:48 PM):its a Funk & Wagnals!
XtraLargeGoodies (7:26:46 PM):NA I USUALLY TALK LIKE THIS INSTEAD YOU
KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN IONO WAHT THOSE WORDS MEAN .
ECGriffith
(7:27:06 PM):so you asked me, so i get to ask you: what
is your race?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:27:19 PM):HMM WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?
ECGriffith
(7:27:21 PM):if you want me to guess, I'm going to say...
you are... uh... Dutch.
ECGriffith
(7:27:27 PM):no, wait.
ECGriffith
(7:27:45 PM):you are... Australian. "Throw a shrimp
on the barbie, mate!"
ECGriffith
(7:27:48 PM):right? right??
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:27:53 PM):NOPE
ECGriffith
(7:28:01 PM):damn. (I mean, uh, DARN)
ECGriffith
(7:28:10 PM):no cursing here!
ECGriffith
(7:28:28 PM):so you're living in Australia with dutch
people, but you're neither of those nationalities....
ECGriffith
(7:28:40 PM):I give up.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:28:42 PM):I DONT LIVE IN AUSTRALIA AND I AM NOT DUTCH
ECGriffith
(7:29:06 PM):well then you're Canadian!
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:29:09 PM):NOPE
ECGriffith
(7:29:11 PM):It was so obvious.
ECGriffith
(7:29:14 PM):no?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:29:15 PM):MY BEST FIREND IS THOUGH
ECGriffith
(7:29:42 PM):Yakneenaf1859 is a Canadian? whatthe hell
is wrong with him? doesn't he like the BlueJays?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:29:38 PM):SHE IS REALLY PRETTY TOO.
ECGriffith (7:29:50 PM):oh, a GIRL best friend.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:29:53 PM):YAH
ECGriffith
(7:29:53 PM):well, that's different.
ECGriffith
(7:30:02 PM):so you know a canadian, but you're not in
Canada?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:30:11 PM):MOST OF MY GUY FRIENDS ARE AFRICAN AMERICAN.
ECGriffith
(7:30:12 PM):you're in Ledyard, Conneticut.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:30:15 PM):NOPE
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:30:21 PM):NOPE.
ECGriffith
(7:30:25 PM):Leyard... Minnesota?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:30:30 PM):THAT IS A SCHOOL THOUGH THAT I WENT TOO.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:30:35 PM):ITS CALLED LEDYARD
ECGriffith
(7:30:43 PM):in Minnesota? or Connecticut?
ECGriffith
(7:30:47 PM):or Australia?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:30:48 PM):MINNESOTA
ECGriffith
(7:31:04 PM):MINNESOTA! yes! I rule! <dancing>
ECGriffith
(7:31:20 PM):Are you anywhere near ELY mn?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:31:33 PM):NOPE
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:31:40 PM):NOT CLOSE AT LEAST
ECGriffith
(7:31:44 PM):that's good. that place is an armpit of cold.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:31:48 PM):OOH
ECGriffith
(7:31:51 PM):you're in the Twin Cities?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:32:50 PM):YAH
ECGriffith
(7:33:14 PM):okay, you friends are all african american,
which I will infer from your stating that way means you are not.
ECGriffith
(7:33:18 PM):you're also not canadian.
ECGriffith
(7:33:33 PM):but you live in the coldest area of the country.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:33:37 PM):IM NOT CANADIAN BUT I AM NOT AFRICAN AMERICAN
EITHER
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:33:48 PM):YAH
ECGriffith
(7:33:58 PM):You are a yeti. how else could you survive
those temperatures? you are covered with a soft downy fur that keeps you warm,
I suppose.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:34:07 PM):NOPE
ECGriffith
(7:34:08 PM):well, that, and your boyfriend's ganster
clothes.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:34:49 PM):YAH LOL
ECGriffith
(7:34:56 PM):well, I could say "white" but that
just seems to easy. I mean, white people are the majority so I'd have a better
than 50% chance of being right. Maybe higher since it's Minnesota.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:35:18 PM):YAH, WANNA KNOW WHAT I AM ?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:35:22 PM):ILL TELL YOU.
ECGriffith
(7:35:26 PM):tell me.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:35:34 PM):OKAY IM PORTUGUESE
ECGriffith
(7:35:57 PM):Portuguese. I never would have guessed that.
ECGriffith
(7:36:06 PM):I'm not even sure where the hell Portugal
is.
ECGriffith
(7:36:22 PM):Hey, isn't that part of Australia?!
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:36:26 PM):NO
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:36:33 PM):ITS SOUTH AMERICA
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:36:38 PM):WIT HTHE SPANISH PEOPLE
ECGriffith
(7:36:43 PM):oh. well, then I guess you weren't lying.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:36:46 PM):SPANISH IS LIKE PORTUGUESE
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:37:01 PM):THEY ALMOST SOUND THE SAME IS LANGUAGE
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:37:09 PM):BUT UM WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYIN AUSTRALIA
ECGriffith
(7:37:30 PM):It's all part of the comedy.
ECGriffith
(7:38:30 PM):okay, so we've established you're a Portuguese
female in minnesota. we have yet to find out your age. (don't chat rooms have
"checks" for this kind of thing? I'm getting tired and the nurse hasn't
brought me my pills...)
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:39:00 PM):OH,
ECGriffith
(7:40:14 PM):so yes, I'm concerned that you're too young
to be showing your, how did you put it.... <scrolls up to look>...TITS
to your gansta rapping boytoy.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:41:08 PM):WAHT DO YOU MEAN HOW?
ECGriffith
(7:41:47 PM):How? huh? I'm not asking how you showed them.
I assume that was pretty straight forward.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:42:00 PM):YAH HE ASKED SO I WAS LIKE OKAY
ECGriffith
(7:42:08 PM):I'm just saying, at your age, you probably
should have them under wraps.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:42:17 PM):WHY?
ECGriffith
(7:42:44 PM):okay, i'm going to go out on a limb here
and guess your age. dont' be offended if I get it wrong. okay?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:42:56 PM):OKAY
ECGriffith
(7:42:58 PM):promise?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:43:05 PM):YAH
ECGriffith
(7:43:17 PM):because, I think we've got something very
special here and I would hate to have you get mad at me....
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:43:27 PM):I WONT
ECGriffith
(7:43:44 PM):okay, I think you're a portuguese female
in minnesota of the age: 27.
ECGriffith
(7:43:55 PM):right? I nailed it, didn't i?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:43:55 PM):NO
ECGriffith
(7:43:59 PM):damn. too low?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:44:07 PM):YAH
ECGriffith
(7:44:17 PM):wait, wait, wait. I forgot to carry the 2
in my calculations.
ECGriffith
(7:44:26 PM):
you're a portuguese female in minnesota of the age: 15
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:44:39 PM):NO!
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:44:46 PM):WHY WPI;D YOU GUESS THAT?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:44:50 PM):WOULD `
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:45:14 PM):THAT IS REALLY LOW!
ECGriffith
(7:45:47 PM):Seriously. C'mon. Tell an
old man the truth.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:45:58 PM):IM NOT 15 WHY WOULD YOU EVEN GUESS THAT
THO?
ECGriffith
(7:46:47 PM):did I say 15? I thought I
typed 35. Damned Dyslexication!
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:47:33 PM):WHY WOULD YOU TYPE 15 THO?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:47:44 PM):THAT 35 IS CLOSE THO, BUT I REALLY AM 27
ECGriffith
(7:48:02 PM):you promised you wouldn't
be offended. you promised.
ECGriffith
(7:48:12 PM):and now you're all offended.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:48:19 PM):I WASNT !
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:48:20 PM):IM OKAY
ECGriffith
(7:48:55 PM):you sure? cause, I mean, I
dunno where that 15 came from. what was I thinking? wowee zowee. Geewillikers.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:49:16 PM):OKAY IM GOING TO GO, YOU ARE SCARING ME
WITH THINKING IM 15
ECGriffith
(7:49:33 PM):hey, you were born in the
70s! it's cool!
ECGriffith
(7:49:41 PM):why on earth would that be
scary.
ECGriffith
(7:49:50 PM):most women would love to go
back to being 15.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:49:53 PM):NO ONE WOULD EVER SAY IM 15
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:50:00 PM):NO I WOULD LOVE TO GO BACK TO 20
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:50:02 PM):OR 18
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:50:04 PM):NOT 15
[About
15 mintues befoe this, some other guy pops up in another IM window on my screen
with handle of MuscleheadRO. He's obviously in
on the whole thing with XtraLargeGoodies, but is far more rude. They are IMing
each other about me as we talk. So high school of them.]
ECGriffith
(7:50:19 PM):I think MuscleheadRO says
hi.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:50:36 PM):WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:51:10 PM):I KNOW HIM
ECGriffith
(7:51:24 PM):this dude. he's in another
window here on my screen. started making comments about 27 year olds in Minnesota,
so I figured that he's either your boytoy or you've got a split personality
(and two computers! which is cool!)
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:51:46 PM):HES ONE OF MY OTHER GOOD FRIENDS
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:52:04 PM):"muscleheadRO:
hes weird"
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:52:15 PM):THATS WAHT HE SAID ABOUT YOU
ECGriffith
(7:52:29 PM):is this the "bro"
ECGriffith
(7:52:34 PM):or the hot canadian girl?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:52:35 PM):NO
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:52:41 PM):HES JUST A GOOD FRIEND
ECGriffith
(7:52:45 PM):tell me more about her.
ECGriffith
(7:53:19 PM):he just said you are "hott"
and have "nice cheekers." I'm not sure that that means.
ECGriffith
(7:53:27 PM):I guess he would like to spank
you.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:53:31 PM):SHE IS 25 YEARS OLD AND SHE LOVES ACTING
SHE WAS IN A PLAY IN NEW YORK
ECGriffith
(7:53:50 PM):what play? I was just down
there to see a play!
XtraLargeGoodies (7:53:40 PM):
[here she is quoting from
stuff I said to MuscleHead:]
muscleheadRO:
do u have a crush on XtraLargeGoodies?
ECGriffith:
dude,
for all I know, XtraLargeGoodies is a 55-year-old man named Desmond sitting
in his mom's basement next to a bag of Cheetos.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:53:46 PM):I TOD YOU WHO I AM
ECGriffith
(7:54:14 PM):I know, but I don't want MusclefaceRO
to think I'm too into you. Guys can't talk like that to other guys.
ECGriffith
(7:54:21 PM):it's just not done.
ECGriffith
(7:54:25 PM):we have a code.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:54:33 PM):OHH, OKAY
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:54:37 PM):BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
ECGriffith
(7:54:41 PM):NO WAY!
ECGriffith
(7:54:44 PM):I didn't see that.
ECGriffith
(7:54:55 PM):was she the teapot?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:54:56 PM):OH
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:55:00 PM):NO
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:55:03 PM):SHE WAS NOT
ECGriffith
(7:55:30 PM):does she have a web site?
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:56:29 PM):UM YAH. LEME GET IT
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:57:39 PM):A______O@BLURTY.COM
ECGriffith
(7:58:04 PM):that's an email address. not a web site.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:58:17 PM):OO NO SHE DOESNT HAVE A WEBSITE
ECGriffith
(7:59:01 PM):well, I wouldn't want to email her. that
would be strange and weird.
XtraLargeGoodies
(7:59:12 PM):YAH TRUE.
ECGriffith
(8:00:30 PM):okay, so c'mon, 27? really??
XtraLargeGoodies
(8:01:25 PM):YAH WHY?
ECGriffith
(8:01:41 PM):what do you do for a living?
ECGriffith
(8:01:49 PM):wait, let me guess... you work with computers.
XtraLargeGoodies
(8:01:58 PM):NOP
ECGriffith
(8:02:01 PM):no, wait... you tend bar.
ECGriffith
(8:02:04 PM):Go to school.
XtraLargeGoodies
(8:02:11 PM):I AM A PEDIATRICIAN
ECGriffith
(8:02:18 PM):You're a veterinari... oh.
ECGriffith
(8:02:45 PM):pediatrician. you're all edujamakated. went
to school for book larnin'.
XtraLargeGoodies
(8:02:53 PM):YAH
ECGriffith
(8:03:54 PM):so, what's it like working with peoples feet
all day? I would think that would be gross.
XtraLargeGoodies
(8:04:34 PM):I WORK WITH CHILDREN
ECGriffith
(8:04:57 PM):you only work with the feet of children?
that's very specialized. but good for you.
XtraLargeGoodies
(8:05:46 PM):NO I WORK WITH CHILDREN
ECGriffith
(8:06:41 PM):right, but they have feet, don't they?
ECGriffith
(8:06:56 PM):unless... you amputate them!
ECGriffith
(8:07:12 PM):christ, it's like Dr. Mengele in here!
XtraLargeGoodies (8:07:12 PM):\YAH THEY DOO
ECGriffith
(8:07:18 PM):oh. whew.
XtraLargeGoodies
(8:07:28 PM):OKAY IM GOING , BYE.
ECGriffith
(8:07:33 PM):okay
ECGriffith
(8:07:35 PM):but one last question
XtraLargeGoodies
(8:07:40 PM):YAH
ECGriffith
(8:07:50 PM):tell me your real name. and for the love
of mike, don't let it be Desmond.... [I
was calling her Desmond as a running gag in the other window with MuscleHead...]
ECGriffith
(8:08:06 PM):just first name, I don't want the whole thing,
that's creepy.
ECGriffith
(8:08:18 PM):not that your name is creepy, just me having
it would be.
XtraLargeGoodies
(8:08:24 PM):I NEVBER SAIDI T WAS DESMOND
XtraLargeGoodies
(8:08:26 PM):IT IS CALLIE
XtraLargeGoodies
(8:08:29 PM):OKAY BYE
ECGriffith
(8:08:36 PM):tho I supposed after an hour an hour and
14 minutes, this is sort of like a first date.
XtraLargeGoodies
(8:08:59 PM):NO I GOT A BOYFRIEND
ECGriffith
(8:09:12 PM):Dr. Callie of Australia, Minnesota. I bid
you... soyonara.
XtraLargeGoodies
signed off at 8:10:19 PM.
Yes. That was my chat with a "27-year-old pediatrician from Minnesota." Who has apparently never heard of dyslexia. Tho her spelling is about as good as that of most physicians.